“Why are you following me anyway?” I ask and crouch down behind the thick plastic, raising up just enough to peek over the top and bracing myself for whatever Ian has in mind.
“Not your time to ask questions.”
I scrunch my eyes shut and curl into a fetal position as tightly as I can as I wait for his deep voice to bellow out the number one. I don’t know him well enough to assume what move he’s going to make. One deep breath, and then a second, and a third, and I’m halfway to resigning myself to my situation. He won’t hurt me, I already know that. It’s the disgust that I’m sure to find in his eyes that I want to avoid. People try to pretend that they understand or that they’re nonjudgmental, but it’s all a lie. The first time they look at me and try to figure out how high I am or what I’ve taken is always the beginning of the end. It doesn’t take much to figure out how little they think of me. And sometimes they have the courtesy of just outright saying it—I’m a pathetic junkie.
“Come down, Mindy.” Ian’s voice is gentle, soft even. He’s closer now than before. The metal slide creaks in front of me, the only piece of the playground that hasn’t been replaced since my childhood. The whole thing used to be metal and wood. Holly and I would burn our legs in the height of summer under the hot sun, and when we were really tired, we’d forget about the worn wooden beams that held the whole thing up and would get dozens of splinters in a single afternoon. Now everything but the slide is made of a hard hazard-free plastic. Why they kept the old metal slide, I don’t even know.
I can feel him approach even though I can’t see him. My eyes are still clamped shut, and I’m preparing myself for the worst. Is he going to hate me, judge me, or—even worse—abandon me? I can take the hate and judgment. It wouldn’t be the first time someone I’ve loved has looked at me with such disgust and contempt that I’ve hated myself all that much more for it. It wouldn’t be the first and certainly won’t be the last, but it will be the most painful. Ian’s only ever known me as the broken mess that I’ve become. He never got the chance to meet the perky girl who couldn’t imagine saying a curse word in public or who was afraid of body modification. Even getting a second hole in my ears was once a bit too taboo for me, even though I loved the look of it. No, the only thing Ian has known or ever will know me as is this pathetic, broken, scarred mess that I’ve let myself become.
“What happens when you get to one?” I ask, keeping my voice small. The night’s breeze disappears and is replaced by the emanating heat of his body. The slide continues to groan, and the plastic I’m clutching onto shakes as he gets to the top of the slide and grabs ahold of it.
“I will never hurt you,” he says. His hot breath washes over my face. Slowly, I open my eyes and blink rapidly. He’s closer than I expect, but for the first time since that day, such a close presence doesn’t scare me. It comforts me instead. I should be pulling away, at least that’s my MO as of late. But instead of pulling back, I’m leaning toward him.
“I know,” I whisper.
Ian’s deep brown eyes probe mine, asking a question I don’t understand and looking for an answer I can’t fathom. I just don’t know or understand anything anymore, and I’m tired of trying. He very slowly, cautiously even, brings the palm of his hand up to hover over my cheek. He looks ridiculous, his big body forcing its way through the hole in the plastic molding to reach me. I lean into his touch, welcoming it, surprising myself, so desperate for something to tether myself to.
My grandma used to tell me that everybody needs to have something that matters in life. We all need to be tethered to something, or someone, who grounds us so that we never lose ourselves. So that we can always find our souls. I thought Heath was my tether, but I lost myself anyway. I lost my soul. I used to think that losing my soul was the worst thing that could happen, but being here with Ian, his rough, calloused skin barely brushing my cheek, I finally know the truth—my soul is nothing without this man to keep me from losing myself.