She props a fist on her hip and points her spatula at me. “You’re part of Randy’s team, and you’re his friend. That makes you like family. There’s coffee on, and there’s cream in the fridge if you want it. You can’t go to practice without eating.”
She’s so matter of fact about it, like it’s nothing that she’s making me something to eat. I pour a coffee for myself and search the cupboards until I find plates. Then I get the ketchup from the fridge and find dill pickle spears at the back of one of the shelves.
I set everything out on the kitchen island, leaving a stool between us so we’re not sitting right next to each other. Lily sets a plate in front of me. Cheese oozes out of the middle of the sandwiches she’s cut in half.
“Sorry they’re a little messy. Randy has a hard time keeping weight on when the season starts, and, well, that’s the story of my life, so I go a little overboard with the cheese. I hope this is okay.”
My throat closes like I’m being choked, like my body is preparing for a backhand to go with her kindness. But it doesn’t come. All there is is a plate in front of me with two golden, gooey sandwiches and my friend’s girlfriend looking apologetic for going out of her way to help me.
For a second I’m jealous of what Randy and Lily have. I try to imagine Tash doing something like this for me, but I can’t. I don’t think it’s in her to care about people this way. It was always just about her, and what she wanted. And that was never really me.
Lily sits in the place I’ve set for her. She squirts an ungodly amount of ketchup on her plate, dips the corner of her sandwich, and takes a bite, chewing thoughtfully.
“When I was growing up, we only had plastic cheese slices, but I’d go to Sunny’s house and her mom always made grilled cheese with Gouda or Swiss. There were always globs of melted cheese on my plate at the end. Even though it was messy, I loved it so much. I loved the ones my mom made for me too, but God, it was like cheese magic at the Waters’ house.”
“Sounds pretty awesome.” Waters has known Lily his entire life. His sister is her best friend. They’re close like family should be. I don’t have those kinds of memories from my childhood, even though it was a privileged one. After my brother died, everything good fell apart.
Before Lily takes another bite she asks, “Did your mom ever make you grilled cheese?”
I shake my head. “Nah.” My mother never would’ve done anything like cook. “My nanny did, though. We had grilled cheese and onion sandwiches.”
Lily pulls a face. “Cheese and onion?”
“It’s really good.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
We eat in silence for a few minutes. It’s been ages since someone made me something to eat who wasn’t paid to do it.
Lily pauses with her sandwich. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. I might not answer it, though.”
“Why does that not surprise me in the least?”
I’ve learned how to avoid or fabricate when necessary to protect myself. My entire life has been a lie. A glossy, dressed-up lie. My mother is the kind of beautiful people carve into stone, but inside she’s ugly—like most people seem to be. I don’t think Lily fits into that category, though.
She gestures to my face. “Why do you let Tash do this to you?”
“Tash didn’t do this; some pissed-off juicer with a God complex did.”
Lily dips her sandwich in the ketchup again. For someone as small as she is, she sure can pack it away. “Before I met Randy, I dated this guy Benji for seven years.”
Tash was probably my longest relationship, if I can even call it that. It was never monogamous. She made sure of that. There was a girl I dated my sophomore year of high school, but I was young, and even then I couldn’t handle getting close to people, so while it went on for a couple of months, it never felt like anything real.
“That’s a long time to be with one person.”
Lily nods. “We started dating when I was in grade nine. He was…stable. Well, more stable than my own situation. I grew up without a dad, and my mom wasn’t very good at picking decent guys. Neither was I.”
“We can’t make good choices all the time.” Randy’s mentioned Lily’s douche ex a couple of times. She’s a good person, so I can see how an asshole might use that quality to his advantage.
“He wasn’t always a bad choice. For a lot of years he was good to me, or at least relatively speaking. Anyway, after a while it stopped being a good thing. He spent a lot of time bringing me down. He could be mean, abusive.”
I think about what it would be like if Randy lost his shit on her and got physical, the kind of damage he could do. She’s so small—one hit could break bones. I can’t believe Randy hasn’t knocked this guy’s teeth out if that’s what she’s talking about.
“He hit you?”
Lily raises a hand, and I realize I’m halfway out of my seat, like I’m going to find the guy and beat him for her.
“It wasn’t like that,” she says. “It was emotional. He manipulated me a lot. He was subversive, antagonistic. He said things that were intentionally hurtful. It got worse over time, and I just sort of put up with it, thinking it must be normal. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should’ve.”
“Tash is good at manipulating, but that bullshit is done.” I don’t buy the words as I say them, even if I want them to be true. I haven’t even listened to her voicemails yet, or read her messages. But I probably will, because I torment myself this way.
Lily finishes the last bite of her first sandwich, swallowing before she responds. “Benji and I used to break up a lot. He would make threats, tell me he was going to sleep with other girls.”
“That’s a dickhead thing to do.” And exactly what Tash has done to me. And still does even though we’re not together, except it’s not isolated to one sex or the other.
“It is.”
“Did he screw other girls?”
“Probably. I can’t ever be sure one way or the other because he lied a lot, and sometimes it was just to make me jealous. But the not knowing was hard. His actions caused a lot of damage on the inside. The kind you can’t see, but affects a lot of things. I get that now. For a long time I kept letting it happen until I realized it wasn’t going to get better.”
I get what she’s saying. I understand it perfectly. But there’s a distinct difference between me and Lily: She’s actually a decent human being.
“What changed?” I ask.
“I decided I didn’t want him to have any more power over me, so I took it away.”
“Was it that easy?” I think about how things went down last night. How Tash duped me again. How I shouldn’t have gone to see her in the first place, but I couldn’t find it in me to stay away. I knew it wasn’t going to go the way I wanted. I knew there had to be a ploy, but I went anyway.
“It wasn’t. Randy made it easier.”
“He’s all about you.”
“And I’m all about him.”
I don’t have anyone to distract me from Tash. Of course there are bunnies. Lots of them, and they’re always interested in getting fucked. But that’s as far as it ever goes.
“Can I ask you something else?”
“Sure.”
Lily’s eyes dart away. “It’s personal.”
“I’ll continue to reserve the right not to answer if I don’t feel like it.”
She chews her lip, and a flush creeps up her cheeks.
“Why didn’t things work out with Tash?”
“I wanted something she didn’t.”
“Which was what?”
For her not to fuck other people, or bring me other people to fuck. “I just wanted it to be her and me, but she didn’t.”
“So she wanted to see other guys?”
“Or women, whatever. She was very inclusive.”
Lily looks confused. “And you told her what you wanted?”
“Yeah.”
“And she didn’t want to be exclusive?”
“Nope.”
“But you were still with her, even though she was with other people?” The flush in her cheeks deepens to a red that touches the tip of her ears.
“I thought maybe it would change eventually.” No need to tell her Tash and I have been with the same woman at the same time. She’s shocked enough as it is.
“The thought of being with anyone other than Randy makes me feel sick.” Lily cringes, and I drop my head.