“What do you think?”
“I think—” Her mind was racing with possibilities. “I think they’d be lucky to have you.”
“But what do you think about it for us?”
“I think I’m blown away.” She reached up to touch his cheek, his jaw. His stubble felt bristly under her fingertips, and she couldn’t believe he was here and they were having this conversation. “You’d really go through so much . . . change to be with me?”
“Sometimes change is good.” He looked at her. Then he looked out at the ocean and his face turned somber. “You know, ever since Sean died, I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been thinking about people and family and what matters.” He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles, and she felt a pinch in her heart at the tenderness of it. “You’re the best thing in my life, Liz. There’s not anything I wouldn’t do for you.”
He looked at her again, and the moon was so bright she could see the love in his eyes.
“But I’m worried, too,” he said. “I have to be honest. Reentry is tough. And I’ve been away so long . . . I think I’ve forgotten how to be home.”
She reached up and touched his cheek. “Let me show you,” she whispered, and pulled him down to kiss her.
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Chapter One
Evenings were the hardest, the time when everything unraveled. Catie’s mind overflowed, her chest felt empty, and the craving dug into her with razor-sharp claws.
Catie’s shoulders tensed as she pulled into the wooded park. All her life she’d been addicted to work and approval and success. Now, she was simply an addict.
Her high-performance tires glided over the ruts, absorbing the bumps as she eased along the drive. She turned into the gravel parking lot and swung into a space. Forty-six days.
Resting her head on the wheel, she squeezed her eyes shut. Her throat tightened and she fought the burn of tears.
“One day at a time,” she whispered.
She sat up and gazed through the windshield. She’d never thought she’d be one of those people who gave herself pep talks. She’d never thought she’d be a lot of things. Yet here she was.
Catie shoved open the door and popped the trunk. She tossed her purse inside, then rummaged through her gym bag, looking for her iPod. On second thought, no music. She slammed the trunk closed, locked the car, and tucked the key fob into the zipper pocket of her tracksuit. She leaned against a trail marker and stretched her quads. A few deep lunges and she was ready to go.
She set off at a brisk pace, quickly passing the dog walkers and bird enthusiasts who frequented the trail. Her muscles warmed. Her breathing steadied. She passed the first quarter-mile marker and felt the tension start to loosen.
The routine had become her lifeline. She registered the familiar scent of the loblolly pines, the spongy carpet of pine needles under her feet. She put her body through the paces, then her mind.
It was Wednesday. She was halfway through the week, another daunting chain of days that started with paralyzing mornings in which she had to drag herself out of bed and force herself to shower, dress, and stand in front of the mirror to conceal the evidence of a fitful night. Then she faced the endless cycle of conference calls and meetings and inane conversations as the secret yearning built and built, culminating in the dreaded hour when it was time to go. Time to pack it in and head home to her perfectly located, gorgeously decorated, soul-crushingly empty house.
But first, a run. Or a spin class. Or both. Anything to postpone the sight of that vacant driveway.
Almost anything.
Catie focused her attention on the narrow trail. Thirst stung her throat, but she tried not to think about it. She tried to clear her mind. She rounded a bend, noted the half-mile marker. She was making good time. Another curve in the path and she came upon a couple jogging in easy lockstep. Twentysomethings. At the end of the trail and still they had a bounce in their stride. The woman smiled as they passed, and Catie felt a sharp pang of jealousy that drew her up short.
She caught herself against a tree and bent over, gasping. Shame and regret formed a lump in her throat. She dug her nails into the bark and closed her eyes against the clammy onset of panic.
Don’t think, Catie, Liam’s voice echoed in her head. Be in the moment.
God, she missed him. Liam was way too smart and way too intense, and he didn’t know how to turn it off. And she liked that about him. So different from Mark.
Liam never belittled her.
He knew evil lurked in the world and he faced it head-on, refusing to look away, even relishing the fight.
Snick.
Catie’s head jerked up. She swung her gaze toward the darkening woods as awareness prickled to life inside her.
The forest had gone quiet.
No people, no dogs. Even the bird chatter had ceased. She glanced behind her and a chill swept over her skin.
Look, Catie. Feel what’s around you.
She did feel it. Cold and predatory and watching her.
Mark would tell her she was paranoid. Delusional, even. But her senses were screaming.
She glanced around, trying to orient herself on the trail. She wasn’t that far in yet. She could still go back. She turned around and walked briskly, keeping her chin high and her gaze alert. Strong. Confident. She tried to look powerful and think powerful thoughts, but fear squished around inside her stomach and she could feel it—something sinister moving with her through the forest, watching her from deep within the woods. She’d felt it before, and now it was back again, and her pulse quickened along with her strides.
I am not crazy. I am not crazy. I am not crazy.
But . . . what if Mark was right? And if he was right about this, could he be right about everything else, too?
A sound—directly left. Catie halted. Her heart hammered. She peered into the gloom and sensed more than saw the shifting shadow.
Recognition flickered as the shape materialized. With a rush of relief, she stepped forward. “Hey, you—”
She noticed his hand.
Her stomach plummeted. Her mind emptied. All her self-doubt vanished, replaced by a single electrifying impulse.
Catie ran.
* * *
Special Agent Tara Rushing drove with the windows down, hoping the cold night air would snap her out of her funk. She felt wrung out. Like a dishrag that had been used to sop up filth, then squeezed and tossed aside.
Usually she loved the adrenaline rush. Kicking in a door, storming a room, taking down a bad guy—anyone who’d done it for real knew nothing compared to it. The high could last for hours, even through the paperwork, which was inevitably a lot.
Typically after a successful raid everyone was wired. The single agents would head out for a beer or three, sometimes going home together to burn off some of the energy. But tonight wasn’t typical.
After so many weeks of work and planning, she’d expected to feel euphoric. Or at the very least satisfied. Instead she felt . . . nothing, really. Her dominant thought as she sped toward home was that she needed a shower. Not just hot, volcanic. She’d stand under the spray and scrub her skin raw, and maybe get rid of some of the sickness clinging to her.
Tara slowed her Explorer as the redbrick apartment building came into view. Her second-floor unit looked dark and lonely beside her neighbor’s, where a TV glowed in the window and swags of Christmas lights still decorated the balcony.
She rolled to a stop at the entrance and tapped the access code. As the gate slid open, her phone buzzed in the cup holder. Tara eyed the screen: US GOV. She’d forgotten to fill out some paperwork, or turn in a piece of gear, or maybe they needed her to view another video.
She felt the urge to throw her phone out the window. Instead she answered it.
“Rushing.”
If she put enough hostility in her voice, maybe they wouldn’t have the balls to call her back in.